


how can i miss you if you never leave

by tajemnica



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Fights, M/M, Twincest, Underage Sex, teenage miyas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27141868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tajemnica/pseuds/tajemnica
Summary: at fifteen, samu gets his first boyfriend.tsumu fucking hates it.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Miya Osamu
Comments: 47
Kudos: 164





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> trying something a little different with the writing style; hopefully the kinda miya-voice reads okay!

tsumu cried when samu told him he had a crush on a boy.

they were fifteen. samu hadn’t even got his face close to another boy yet, let alone seen a dick outside the locker rooms, and tsumu was already sick with it, like his life was over before it even started. he cried and samu called him a scrub and an idiot and told him it had nothing to do with anything, but he just didn’t get it yet.

he didn’t get it when he found tsumu stretched out in the wrong bunk, in his bed, pissed off and scared. all torn up about the idea of sunarin getting something better, something more, something he couldn’t ever have—even though he was here first, always here. tsumu was born waiting for his baby brother and never apart for two nights in a row since, and he was scared shitless because, for the first time, he realized samu might someday love somebody better.

tsumu may’ve always been a little bit of a wreck and a lotta bit of a crybaby, but if there’s one thing he’s always been able to trust, it’s that his brother will be right there to kick him when he’s down and then offer a hand to pick him back up. 

it’s just that now when he looks for samu’s hands, they’ve got another boy’s chewed-up fingers tangled up in ‘em, or they’re slipping into that other boy’s back pockets, or twirling their way into that other boy’s hair. 

samu’s got no heart whatsoever about it, either. thinks it’s funny tsumu’s so bent all outta shape, likes to get all smug and lovey with suna right in front of his face, like he thinks it’s cute to see his brother’s grin twist up into an angry pout. he’s convinced tsumu just thinks it’s gross, is all. they just need to rub his nose in it a little bit, suna says, and he’ll come around. suna’s a fuckin’ snake about it the whole thing, but you can’t blame him. how’s he supposed to know tsumu’s not supposed to count? 

samu doesn’t seem to remember that tsumu’s not supposed to count, either, that he’s always supposed to be the closest and the best, because now he wants to kick him out of the room all the time, wants to jack off over the phone without his brother in the top bunk, wants to walk home separate and suck his boyfriend’s earlobes along the way without a witness.

so tsumu walks home by himself, and he lingers in the kitchen, and he thinks about suna’s mouth and nose and ears and maybe if he tries he can want to kiss on them, too. because when it comes right down to it, samu’s still got two hands, so maybe what’s the fucking problem? 

or maybe there’s just something so goddamn great about sunarin that once you get his tongue in yer mouth, all of a sudden you understand, too. 

everything hurts bad enough all the time already that he figures it can’t hurt to try, can’t hurt to follow samu’s eyes right on down to suna’s ass as he walks away, just to see what it feels like, until samu calls him out. 

“fuck d’you think you’re doing?” samu’s elbow connects with tsumu’s shoulder and he stumbles. it’s the first time he’s gotten touched in weeks, maybe, and now all of a sudden he wants it to happen again. 

“maybe i’m starin’ at yer boyfriend’s ass too, samu, so whatcha gonna do about it?” he’s not even done saying it before they’ve swung around to face each other, stepping into each other’s space, shoving close and bitchy and explosive. 

“‘m gonna fuck you up is what,” samu spits, and tsumu feels his hot breath on his face and licks his lips. “you better leave my boyfriend the fuck alone,” samu says, real mean like it’s a whole threat, like they’re not the same age and the same size with the same face and the same moves, like they haven’t been finding each other’s weak spots their whole goddamn lives.

“and what if i don’t?” tsumu says, all quiet but the last word, which he punctuates with a hard shove, both hands on his brother’s shoulders. it’s samu’s turn to stumble but he rallies back with one fist up, like he can’t decide if he wants to punch or do something else. 

it’s been a while since they’ve  _ fought _ fought, like really fought, so samu honestly doesn’t see it coming when tsumu guns for him, taking him all the way down, all vicious knees and fingernails. 

samu wants to think he’s got a couple pounds on him, and that’s why it’s so easy to turn the tables, but there’s a sad little part of him, too, that remembers this from way back when they were little, crybaby tsumu picking fights just to get attention, because getting hit hurts less than getting ignored.

he knows that to wrestle with tsumu right now is to lose, not ‘cause he can’t win, not ‘cause he’s not stronger or the one who’s right, but just because tsumu’s a little nightmare freak and his version of winning is something else entirely. 

tsumu wins as soon as samu takes him seriously, gets mad enough to fight back—gets a jackpot when his brother’s hands close around his throat—and his little smile is so fuckin’ creepy when his eyes flutter shut that samu rolls off him in disgust. 

“fuck’s wrong with you,” samu’s just starting to say, when tsumu takes the opportunity deck him right in the face and run off. 

“i hate you!” samu shouts after him, touching his mouth with careful fingers that come back bloody. 

tsumu stops a ways away, far enough that he can still bolt even if samu comes after him all of a sudden. “good,” he cups his mouth to yell. “least yer thinkin’ about me again.”

+

the next day samu’s mouth hurts like a bitch where tsumu’s knuckle broke his lip open against his teeth, but tsumu won, because it means he can’t stop thinking about it, about the fight, about him.

he can’t get his brother’s face out of his head, even the whole time suna keeps kissing him, keeps sucking and pulling and making his lip bleed again, sitting in his lap. 

it’s not fair because sunarin’s got a pretty face and samu still gets all blushy looking at it for too long, but he can’t close his eyes, because when he does all he sees is tsumu’s eyes, tsumu’s fist, tsumu’s mouth, tsumu.

when suna pulls back, he’s got a couple drops of samu’s blood on his own lip, licks it off with a pout like a whiny vampire. “why are you being so weird today? is it still about your stupid brother?”

(meanwhile tsumu’s nowhere to be seen all day, laying low because he must not wanna get his own teeth knocked in—even if he does deserve it.)

samu huffs out a big sigh, squeezing his eyes shut and smooshing suna tight against him again. “i dunno,” he says into the warmth of suna’s throat where he can still kinda see hickeys from a couple days ago. “i’m sick of him anyway,” he tells the nauseous feeling in his guts, the one that no amount of boyfriend spit seems to be able to make untwist.

it’s none of tsumu’s goddamn business, is the thing. it’s none of tsumu’s goddamn business whose pants samu wants to get in, whose face he thinks about before he falls asleep. it’s none of tsumu’s business, any of it, so samu can’t figure out why he’s gotta take the whole thing so life-or-death seriously, like it has anything to do with him in the first place, cryin’ his eyes out whenever he thinks samu can’t see him.

just because they’ve always done everything the same in the past, even liked the same girls (give or take) just so they could do it together, talk each other through it and nobody get ahead or fall behind… but all that means is it’s even more important to finally start acting like two different people with two different lives!

it’s not right for them to get the age they are and still wanna sit so close together, still wanna sleep side by side some nights. 

it’s cute when twins love each other when they’re little, when they hold hands all the time and share everything. everybody loves it, eats it right up. but samu just keeps thinking, eventually, you gotta grow up, right? eventually you gotta move on, because you can’t always be each other’s everything. 

you can’t always just hold hands in the dark and stay tangled up in each other’s exhales, and it can’t be healthy, either, for tsumu to stay this crybaby-weirdo-obsessed when all samu’s trying to do is the right fucking thing for both of them.

tsumu doesn’t come home that night. he stays over at kita’s, and for the first time in ages, maybe ever, samu lets himself climb up into tsumu’s bed. he lets himself curl up tight and breathe him in and for the first time in god knows how long, samu cries, right into his brother’s pillow. 

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been a hell of a week for delicious miya content and i wrote this whole chapter today just to have something to share for osaatsu day / nov 7th.
> 
> if you commented and told me to keep going on this story, this is for you! <3 i'm hoping to wrap things up in one more.

the next time samu sees him, tsumu’s slinking around like a kicked dog, like he knows he’s got no excuses. but it makes samu’s stomach clench to see him like that, so he ruffles tsumu’s shitty yellow hair and pats him on the belly as he goes by, just to see him perk up a little.

he decides to throw him a bone so he says “hey” like nothing ever happened. says “hey” like his lip’s not still a little swollen, and like tsumu didn’t just run away to another boy’s bedroom because he couldn’t bear to be close but not be close enough.

tsumu’s mouth hangs a little open after he says “hey” back. samu’s caught him off his guard but then he suddenly remembers. 

samu keeps pushing, just to see where they’re at, says, “ya better shut yer trap, or else bugs’ll crawl in there and die, and make yer breath even worse.” 

tsumu scowls. “you don’t know shit about my breath, samu.” 

“don’t i?” samu steps in close with a shitty grin, getting all up in his face, trying to make him step back but tsumu shoves him off.

“don’t you fuckin dare,” he spits, slipping out of reach. “that ain’t fair and you know it. if yer lookin for somewhere to put yer face, you can shove it up sunarin’s ass.”

it’s not that bad of a threat, really. samu feels sorry but he sure as hell isn’t gonna say anything about it.

+

see, it used to be like this: they’d get home from practice and nobody’d be there, so they could do whatever they wanted. turns out mostly what they wanted was each other. 

because when everybody always treats you like you’re two parts of one person, you tend not to think anything about which parts of which person you’ve got yer hands on. and when you pretty much always have somebody right there, somebody who knows you inside and out, shares yer schedule and yer bath time and yer name, it’s the same anyway. it doesn’t count for anything.

it doesn’t count because why would it? they’ve been falling asleep with their hands down each others’ pants since before they could even remember. it feels better when you don’t have to do it yourself and if yer stuck with somebody all the time anyway, you’d be stupid not to take advantage of the good parts.

so yeah, it turns out mostly what they wanted was to get on the couch and take their clothes off. 

mostly what tsumu wanted was to sit on samu’s lap, all sticky chests sliding together as he bucked his hips back onto samu’s fingers and up against his belly, as samu used his clean hand to turn the volume down so he could hear the way tsumu whimpers. 

and mostly what samu wanted was to keep fucking tsumu way after he shoots his load to squelch filthy in between them, keep him squirming and begging with pretty tears hanging from his long eyelashes. what samu wanted was to tear him wide open and lick him up.

used to be, anyway. 

now, seems like what mostly samu wants is to be able to have a normal boyfriend and pretend it never happened, and tsumu can almost understand. almost gets it, how scary and wrong it’s been starting to feel, just to keep doing what they’ve always done because now they’re old enough to know better. he can almost forgive him for acting like they outgrew it together, for wanting out, with or without him.

but what he won’t stand for is samu thinking he can still tease him the same way he used to, still get close and flirty and obnoxious, without giving him a damn good reason to take it lying down.

+

tsumu doesn’t know what he’s in for when he stays hot on suna’s heels the whole way into the bathroom, but he knows it’ll be ugly. when suna spins around and grabs him by the shirt collar, slamming him back against the door, he’s not gonna be surprised if he winds up with another broken nose. 

what he’s not expecting is suna crushed up against him, a new pair of chapped lips all rubbing against his own, mumbling “is this what you’re after, you fucking weirdo?” but kissing him just the same. 

it’s not his first kiss, but maybe it’s his first real kiss with a boy whose face isn’t like kissing a mirror, so tsumu just kisses back instead of saying anything. because what’s he gonna do, say yes? say  _ yeah, you got me, me’n’samu’s always shared everything before, so yer up for grabs too?  _ say  _ yeah, i just had to try it, i had to find out, i had to know what was so great that samu’d leave me behind for ya? _ say  _ yeah, maybe i can still kiss one last part of him right off yer lips, because i didn’t know our last time was our last time until we never had a next one? _

he keeps his mouth shut, wordswise, to keep something stupid from falling out, but opens up for suna’s tongue as it comes creeping in to where samu oughtta be. probably he even feels the same way, both of them panting desperate in the bathroom, with suna’s knee shoved in between tsumu’s legs and tsumu’s fingers slipping up under the back of suna’s shirt, both of them just thinking about samu.

tsumu’s really starting to buy in when suna lets him go, just pulls back to watch him sink down to a squat, looking for some air to breathe. 

suna looks down on him with something a little like pity. “so. are you gonna tell your brother, or am i?”

“—tell his brother what?” 

tsumu knows suna’d been bluffing as soon as he sees his face shrivel up. he can’t stomp out the little bit of joy that gives him, even with whatever’s gonna go down, so the laugh comes right on out of his mouth. 

samu’s just standing there with a dumb look on his face so tsumu pats him on the cheek as he gets the fuck out of there. “i’m sure yer boyfriend’ll tell ya.”

+

when samu gets home, tsumu’s waiting. he’s been waiting, curled up in samu’s bed, torn like usual between jacking off and having a cry so instead he’s just lying there like a miserable sack of shit just looking at his phone when suna walks in instead.

suna looks scary. suna looks like he could ruin whatever’s left of tsumu’s life with a couple words, or maybe he’s already done it, but he’s not dead yet, so maybe there’s a chance. suna stands with his arms crossed and his bored scary face on but tsumu just looks up at him and has the gall to ask where samu is. 

suna rolls his eyes and jerks his head down the hall. “he’s fine, he’s just chickenshit. for some stupid reason, he says this is between you and me, so you better start talking.”

too bad tsumu doesn’t start talking. he rolls out of bed, brushes past suna, and stomps down the hall to where samu’s pretending he’s not trying to listen in, instead. then he fucking tackles him.

tsumu lays him out easy because he’s not expecting it, pinning him right to the floor where he belongs. “ya gotta be fuckin kidding me, samu!” 

samu just stays there, wriggling in his grip, face going kinda pink, but he doesn’t fight his way free. “hey, stop, i don’t… i dunno whatcha want me to do! i don’t know what you want, i just...” he sounds almost whiny, trapped between tsumu’s thighs. it’s music to tsumu’s ears and for some shitty reason, he feels better than he has in ages.

he looms down over samu’s face, keeping both his bony wrists caught. thinks about hawking up a loogie, letting spit dangle over samu’s mouth, neither of ‘em sure if he’s gonna be able to slurp it back up or just watch it fall. “you just, what? you thought suna’n’me’d fight over ya? sort it out for ya? kill each other an’ leave you alone?”

samu won’t meet his eyes but he’s not pulling his hands free, either. “i don’t wanna lose either of ya,” he mumbles, real quiet. it kinda hurts to look at him like this, really. it makes his chest ache, but it feels kinda good, too, sore like a muscle. feels like maybe tsumu’s not the only one who hurts. like maybe samu doesn’t like it any more than he does, he’s just trying harder to hide it. 

“who says you gotta, dipshit.” 

tsumu lets go but samu just lays his hands on tsumu’s hips, squeezing. it’s nice, fuck, samu’s just being nice, and it doesn’t mean anything, because nothing has changed, but it’s so nice. just touching. “missed you,” tsumu breathes out, real quiet too. 

samu’s so warm and close underneath him, and his hands are hot even through his clothes, and he’s missed them so goddamn bad he can hardly stand it. he wants it, he wants to, so much. he leans a little closer and puts his own hands on samu’s shoulders, dipping his face down.

he can’t. they can’t, they know they can’t, suna’s in the other room and they’re lying in the middle of the house for fucksake, but. the way samu’s looking up at him, like he’s missed it too, makes him wanna risk it. “tsumu,” samu starts, but tsumu’s not listening. he doesn’t care, he can’t help it, it’s too late. samu sucks in a breath as their lips touch. tsumu’s curled over him, sitting on his hips, unmistakable and inexcusable, and it’s only a heartbeat or two later they hear suna clear his throat.

**Author's Note:**

> is it over? (or should i keep pushing, see where else it goes?) maybe if you leave a comment, you can help me decide!


End file.
